Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The return of Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt...

Hair is a very touchy issue.....lack of it,can lead you to extremes of depression, depending on how shallow you are... or does shallowness matter?
Just a few years ago, it was there, now its depleting....few years from now, it will be gone, and one immediately starts 'opto-communication' directly with the sun, through the top of one's head!

'opto-communication' is a term coined by Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt.... no prizes for guessing....
Its the process of reflecting back those rays of the sun, from the top of one's head, which are directly incident on the top of one's head... kinks may arise, especially in the ratio of reflection to reception.... depending on the number of dents,stitches,etc present on one's scalp before or after baldness...
Anycase, baldness is more a mental than a physical ailment, the latter being more obvious.

Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt, truly believes that once a man starts losing hair, nothing can save him...Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt is bald too.... but he's happy.... he just tries to stick to his corrolaries and avoid excessive facial hair.... its like this....hair has a very nice migratory pattern...

When I was 17, I badly wanted a frenchy.... thats a "french beard", and not a famous undergarment-brand's sub-product. The hair on my head was quite fine then, but the frenchy hardly took recognizable form... at one point, I think I must have secretly wished for some of my "head-hair" to "migrate" to my face.... BINGO that was the mistake....cliched sayings prop up...
"Be careful what you wish for"
"a wish once made cannot be undone"
"Dont bite more than you can chew"...ummm well ok cliched, not appropriate....
but this is exactly whats happening... its like hair saying
"Make way...we're moving south forever".....ridiculous!!!

The worst part is the transition from hair to bare....
It starts with you being able to see more of your scalp, at the sides, front, top, through your hair...anycase....

SIGN No.1 : Higher scalp visibility

Next, an overt sense of the weather.... its like the opening/ revealing of a 6th sense..."Its soo bleddy hot today "(wiping partially bald,sweaty scalp with 'hanky')
"Its very cold...I need a 'menkey' cap" (feeling extreme warmth AFTER covering head)

Therfore, SIGN No.2 : Higher weather adjudgeability

Next, ever heard of the expression "Lights up the room with his presence" apart from being a tubelight, you could also be bald and achieve the same effect.... ( not the effect of being stupid n bright at the same time) See, Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's laws of "Luminous Intensity in domestic dwellings" can throw some light on the matter (no pun intended)...
Law 1 states.... "The ceiling of a room is its most reflective surface"
corollary of law 1... "The ceiling of a room is its most reflective surface, till a bald man walks in"

A soon followed 'sub-law' from this, which earned Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt a lot of moolah was : "Why buy 3 bulbs when you can make do with just 2 and a baldy"
This resulted in Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt recieving a lot of party invites. Bulbs were an expensive affair in those days, and hence, a bald man was always welcome.
[This also led to heated arguments between Mr.Edison and Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt.]
Well, that brings us to ....
SIGN No.3 : Automatically brightning of rooms

Finally, the definite give away is the consistent stares of people.... its lovely, you learn so much about human nature...actually just one thing in particular.... "Everyone's curiosity is piqued by a balding scalp"
People LOVE to "look into" a balding scalp....its worse than staring at cleavage, at least with cleaveage,you have an excuse...well... :D
But balding scalps....well, when you see one, you just have to look!!!
certain thoughts that circulate....
"ummm... I wonder how soon he'll lose ALL of it"
"ummm... I wonder how many 'hairs' he has left"
"DOES'NT HE HAVE ANY SHAME??? leering at my chest,BASTARD...ummmm he's going bald...heheh!....BASTARD....STOP LETCHING!!!"

Though Thoughts...cant hurt you, they are thoughts none the less... but its the eyes that can pierce.... oh yeah! if i had a rupee for the number of times people have 'overtly' observed my balding scalp.....

Baby you're a RICH man!
Baby you're a RICH man!

Well, too bad, nobody's paying me for that...
Its even worse if you're short! people will definitely pay a 'glance' toward the top of your head.... its like.... "Look now,when you have a chance... years later, there will be TOO much of light reflecting off it!"

SIGN No.4 : Obsessively Scalp oriented eyeballs


So whats the way out?? NOTHING.... you're going bald? thats a one way road machha! No coming back!

well you could try and exploit the migratory nature of hair, and grow some on your face...at the price of deeming your self as a "lesser evolved being".... I would suggest a soul patch....works fine...defined as
"A small growth of hair, just below the lower lip and just above the chin"
Facial hair can unfailingly divert attention from a balding scalp.... you could even try sticking lil pieces of bread or 'roti' in facial hair, and notice AMAZING results... its obvious...
"Balding scalp v/s Food bits in goatee/moustache"
HA! Bald scalp will suffer a horrible loss, thus realising primary objective of attention elusion.

To end with, a nice limerick by Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt :

There once was a lecturer in M.S.R.I.T
Whom, a few girls considered a 'cutie'
When their poems they read,
He scornfully said
"Watch it missies, its a 'soul patch', not a goatee"


Works for me!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Bin-uh-Laaaung taime since we Rock'n'Rolled!!!

Three long months! During which,LOTS has happened. actually, not much.... just felt like saying that. Losing many things, hair, more specifically, but more on that later. The semester's over, all exams done, finished with exam duties.... invigilating SUCKS ASS!!!!! Forget music,they wont even let you carry a book! THREE long hours watching students write! But every once in a while, theres entertainment. Feels great to threaten a student....hehehhe *evil laugh* Some of them can be quite stupid! Its like they're in some imaginary universe,apparently where in, room invigilators are nothing more than nothing.... yeah, that says enough.

I've noticed this trend; Inter-Universal-truckin, mainly among first year students. They dont really know how bad the VTU squad can be, wait, let me rephrase.... they dont know that most VTU sqaud members suffer from "CHRONIC ARSE MINDEDNESS" or otherwise, fondly known as "Ed-ZACHERY" disease (for the un-initiated.... "That state, when patient's face looks 'Ed-Zachery' like patient's arse). I love to go near a potential "space trucker" and threaten him.... see, apart from the regular space for the room invigilator's signature, theres this lil box on the student's answer booklet, which reads :"To be signed by Chief Superintendent during time of MALPRACTICE" .....TA-DA!!! So, when i notice them trying to get all owl-eyed, I tell them, pointing to that section on their bookelt, in soft whispers.... "You know, theres another place where i can sign..." ..... SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF THEM!!!!
I think its the word "MALPRACTICE"...sounds very threatening!

Eventhough I know they're trying some shit-like stunt, especially during the university exams, I dont go beyond "scaring" them. Most of who are stupid enough to TRY copying during university exams, are usually quite nervous and scared. A smple warning would do. But try telling the squad that.... firstly... more about the squad.

Picture this, A hot march afternoon, long empty road, preferrably a stretch on the bangalore-mysore highway, maybe just one tree, in the distance... nothing but HOT, HOT, TRES-HOT SUN, burning into the asphalt.... somewhere in the 3rd quartile of the lateral side of the road, a parched, road-fused,festering human turd... Thats your basic squad..... whose members are just variants of dried up desert turds.

"My, my Pintu saar..... why such staunch hatred ?" might you say,
The depths of my psyche, beckons you to, who knows,....foray?
I'm a poet , and I dont know-et! ....."laayk-laayk"

But true in every sense, most of the squad guys are nothing but turds. Its painful to know that some people take pleasure in FAILING a student, for no apparent reason. And this I have witnessed first hand! The bastard "caught" and "booked" a student under "malpractice", just because he had a teeny lil phone book in his pocket... was it wrong to have a phone book in your pocket while answering an exam? Yep it was! And stupid too.... Upon finding such "objects" with students,

If you're a normal person, you would :

1. Check the book for any chits or formulas
2. Warn the student
3. Collect the book and hand it over to the Room invigilator
4. Leave silently (Nooo pun intended)

But if you're a squad guy... you would :

1. Check the book for any chits or formulas
2. Let out a low growl of happiness, signifying new-found prey
3. Do a lil victory dance
4. Shout out weird noises in short bursts, signalling to other turd
munching squad members around the vicinity.
5. Catch the poor student by the collar and make a bee line to the Princi's
office and exclaim with near-orgasmic faces..."Look what WE found...saaar!"

Not to be mistaken, that the squad works with the Princi... the squad is not even part of the college, its a conglomerate of pieces of shit from various colleges in the state. As a matter of fact, the squad PISSES-OFF the Princi...

To make it worse for me, when I stepped into the Princi's office, a lovely scene greeted me...the squad! all happy and together, like the fuckin A-TEAM!
"Yes, we are the champions...my phriends....and we'll keep on faaating till the end!!" Of all the times I have ever felt like punching someone, this one takes the CAKE!!
Since I was the room invigilator for the "culprit" I was urged to sign a few things, mostly what i didnt believe... well I'm happy to say that I did'nt. Atleast somewhere in that roasted brain of theirs, they agreed to let me write my own view of the fiasco. The only problem.... it didnt matter. Not one bit. The poor boy lost a lot of time, was'nt allowed into the hall again, and in all probablities, my "appeal" may have been used as a "kleenex"... or perhaps not, the squad prefers trees and lamp posts. Bastards ki jai!

Upbringing? Emotional immaturity? Sexual frustration?(in other words...
"Apna Haath, Jagannath" syndrome) Or just a simple case of the "If I were King for a day" feeling. It Sucks!!!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Gabbar....!

Growing a beard is not easy. Growing a moustache is worse. Its like this, you first grow a beard, then shave off the parts you dont want, till a moustache remains... then you have to groom the moustache...ie, after it has grown considerably. If you're planning on just growing a moustache without a beard camouflage,you'll have to get used to comments like...
"Whats that on his face?!?" or "You should try my soap, its quite effective" or "How was the milkshake"....well,FUCK THEM ALL! especially the type who offer you soap...bleddy condescending pricks!

A burgeoning stubble evokes mixed but amusing responses from people... some even call you handsome... ha!
Trust me,almost nobody likes a bearded being... why? Its like this, beards are scary. Almost all the bad-ass villains were bearded...but why bearded...and not just some kind of funky hair-do...why the poor beard? Its all related to evolution.... for instance, whats the one thing that sets apart man and beast? is it...
...speech?...nope!
...opposable-digits a.k.a thumbs?...hmmmm....nope!
...ability to "enjoy" sex?....well...
...No!!
Its HAIR! more specifically, FACIAL hair...according to Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's law of follicular relativity....

"The quantity of facial hair is in inverse proportion to the extent of evolution"

There... HAIR is what sets apart man and beast. Its hair that gives animals the "fierce" edge...
And,most people are afraid of animals,beasts, the like. Then from Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's sub-law,Its true that, the lesser evolved a being, the more afraid is the general masses. Which inevitably leads to the conclusion...

"Scarier when HAIRIER"

Its true...the other day I scared a lil girl just by looking at her! Technically, from Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's corollary, It should have been the other way around... after all, she had more hair than I did (or ever will) Come to think of it, she was a lil scary.....with her "Earschplittinloudenboomer" like scream.... that might also go on to prove Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's second and rather explicit law...

"Women.are.scary... "

[btw,thats read "WOMEN(period)ARE(period)SCARY(period)(period)(period)"]
But for some strange reason, he was murdered before proving it...hmmm

But for now, whats been proved is that FACIAL hair decreases IQ. I,can feel that... I've been growing a beard lately,and I dont know if it will evolve into a moustache. Not just because I cant make up my mind, but for the simple reason that I DONT know.
But my not knowing could also be attributed to the fact that I now have a beard, and my IQ has decreased...and so has my perception, understanding,etc...

Maybe I should shave it off, then I'd know exactly what I would want to do with it...but then it would'nt be there anymore....Soooo I'll grow it back knowing what to do with it,and then...but no, what if... what if my stupidity takes over....once again rendering me with a healthy dose of indecision.... Then I'd have to shave again,to regain sense... Yep! I'll do just that.... Shave everyday!


ps : Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt ROCKS!!!!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Set me free...

There has never been another song that could ACTUALLY make me feel like this one does....OK,agreed, every song is exclusive in its own subtle way, and further, a song strikes a chord depending on the circumstances under which it is heard, but not this one....from the first time I heard it,to right now...slumped in front of the PC on a Sunday afternoon...at "work"....and through my window,watching a typical "Bangalore" rain...(partial sun...torrential rain...) Even the bloody RAW recording sounds beautiful.... Dunno WHAT those guys were on...when they wrote it.
Brilliant piece of work though. I really dont know the words, but sometimes...just sometimes, a song just by the quality of ABSOLUTE music can "speak" with you...just like the way this does with me..... i dont know if its because of the lovely Maj7ths or the Sus2 or the funny riffs in between (i'm just showing off my knowledge on chords...eh???) But No, seriously....this one song, has THE potential to hit it big... FUCKING BIG!!!...if we can only get our act together.

SO I disconnected my bike's horn... WOW...total "Zen" feeling while riding around... that is, if Zen means "just about to DIE". Bangalore has lost it. Dunno if its S.M Krishna's fault or Premji and Moorthy's. Well, bottomline, its crowded... And Mr.Lowda and Singh are'nt helping either....So,in the words of the Jengle Boy...
"Big Slimey Sweaty Hairy Balls" to them... Ha!
Long Live Jengle Boy!

But its nice not having a horn...No, I'm not mad, maybe a little, Ok, you win. But it sort-of calms you down.
In the beginning, all you feel like doing is RIPPING the MoFo's head off....then you shout stuff like..."Ninn ammanakayee..." of course, only if you're wearing a helmet... otherwise you just say it in your head...thats not so much fun...no. But then gradually, after a few days, you do something you've not done in a long time...you ride SLOW. Now thats more ZEN like.... Riding slow ROCKS! its amazing to watch people swish past... reminds me of Revolver...
"...Running everywhere in such a speed,
Till they find, theres no need, theres no need..."

Long live Georgie!
Now, when a mundane thing like riding in traffic can remind me of a song I love, then it does'nt stay mundane anymore!

I hope something,someday,while riding, will remind me of...
"She's jaas Layk a PEHNGWYN in BAAUHNDAYGE BOIEEN... Oh YEAH Oh Yeah Oie... "
Long Live Zappa!

Actually...thaas jaas SICK!


Well, Freedom jam happened... it kicked ass as usual, mostly ours.

Correction to an affore-mentioned Lamentation... there was no bomb threat, Its just that the organisers forgot to get police permission....hmmm. How sad is that? Not very, especially if you have only 2 people running around, arranging something for 20,000 other people... yep! there were 3 stages, and we got the 3rd stage, and we also got mighty PISSED! there were horses around, and it was stinky...Horse Dung....Kudre Laddhi...heheheh R-N-C.... in the words of Mr.BTR...
" Labo-Labohhhh.....!!! "
Long Live BTR!
The allotment was anounced 3 hours after we reported there, so thats 3 hours of horrible,scalding,BUM BELTING heat!!!!...palace grounds is like a bleddy desert!!!
Anyway, things turned out great! we got to sound check our entire list at 3, made fools of ourselves of course, and then got a prime 7 O'clock slot! Which was when we ROCKED the crowd!!!

Its amazing how a drunk audience can be controlled with a simple distortion pedal.

"Wakka-chikka-wakka-chikka-wah-wahn-wahn-wahkah-CHAYHNAYNNNNNN..."
Long Live OS-2 !!!

So,Life is good.
So good is life.
So,is life good?
Good,so is life.
Life is so good.
Life is good,so?

Good Night!