The return of Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt...

Hair is a very touchy issue.....lack of it,can lead you to extremes of depression, depending on how shallow you are... or does shallowness matter?
Just a few years ago, it was there, now its depleting....few years from now, it will be gone, and one immediately starts 'opto-communication' directly with the sun, through the top of one's head!

'opto-communication' is a term coined by Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt.... no prizes for guessing....
Its the process of reflecting back those rays of the sun, from the top of one's head, which are directly incident on the top of one's head... kinks may arise, especially in the ratio of reflection to reception.... depending on the number of dents,stitches,etc present on one's scalp before or after baldness...
Anycase, baldness is more a mental than a physical ailment, the latter being more obvious.

Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt, truly believes that once a man starts losing hair, nothing can save him...Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt is bald too.... but he's happy.... he just tries to stick to his corrolaries and avoid excessive facial hair.... its like this....hair has a very nice migratory pattern...

When I was 17, I badly wanted a frenchy.... thats a "french beard", and not a famous undergarment-brand's sub-product. The hair on my head was quite fine then, but the frenchy hardly took recognizable form... at one point, I think I must have secretly wished for some of my "head-hair" to "migrate" to my face.... BINGO that was the mistake....cliched sayings prop up...
"Be careful what you wish for"
"a wish once made cannot be undone"
"Dont bite more than you can chew"...ummm well ok cliched, not appropriate....
but this is exactly whats happening... its like hair saying
"Make way...we're moving south forever".....ridiculous!!!

The worst part is the transition from hair to bare....
It starts with you being able to see more of your scalp, at the sides, front, top, through your hair...anycase....

SIGN No.1 : Higher scalp visibility

Next, an overt sense of the weather.... its like the opening/ revealing of a 6th sense..."Its soo bleddy hot today "(wiping partially bald,sweaty scalp with 'hanky')
"Its very cold...I need a 'menkey' cap" (feeling extreme warmth AFTER covering head)

Therfore, SIGN No.2 : Higher weather adjudgeability

Next, ever heard of the expression "Lights up the room with his presence" apart from being a tubelight, you could also be bald and achieve the same effect.... ( not the effect of being stupid n bright at the same time) See, Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's laws of "Luminous Intensity in domestic dwellings" can throw some light on the matter (no pun intended)...
Law 1 states.... "The ceiling of a room is its most reflective surface"
corollary of law 1... "The ceiling of a room is its most reflective surface, till a bald man walks in"

A soon followed 'sub-law' from this, which earned Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt a lot of moolah was : "Why buy 3 bulbs when you can make do with just 2 and a baldy"
This resulted in Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt recieving a lot of party invites. Bulbs were an expensive affair in those days, and hence, a bald man was always welcome.
[This also led to heated arguments between Mr.Edison and Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt.]
Well, that brings us to ....
SIGN No.3 : Automatically brightning of rooms

Finally, the definite give away is the consistent stares of people.... its lovely, you learn so much about human nature...actually just one thing in particular.... "Everyone's curiosity is piqued by a balding scalp"
People LOVE to "look into" a balding scalp....its worse than staring at cleavage, at least with cleaveage,you have an excuse...well... :D
But balding scalps....well, when you see one, you just have to look!!!
certain thoughts that circulate....
"ummm... I wonder how soon he'll lose ALL of it"
"ummm... I wonder how many 'hairs' he has left"
"DOES'NT HE HAVE ANY SHAME??? leering at my chest,BASTARD...ummmm he's going bald...heheh!....BASTARD....STOP LETCHING!!!"

Though Thoughts...cant hurt you, they are thoughts none the less... but its the eyes that can pierce.... oh yeah! if i had a rupee for the number of times people have 'overtly' observed my balding scalp.....

Baby you're a RICH man!
Baby you're a RICH man!

Well, too bad, nobody's paying me for that...
Its even worse if you're short! people will definitely pay a 'glance' toward the top of your head.... its like.... "Look now,when you have a chance... years later, there will be TOO much of light reflecting off it!"

SIGN No.4 : Obsessively Scalp oriented eyeballs


So whats the way out?? NOTHING.... you're going bald? thats a one way road machha! No coming back!

well you could try and exploit the migratory nature of hair, and grow some on your face...at the price of deeming your self as a "lesser evolved being".... I would suggest a soul patch....works fine...defined as
"A small growth of hair, just below the lower lip and just above the chin"
Facial hair can unfailingly divert attention from a balding scalp.... you could even try sticking lil pieces of bread or 'roti' in facial hair, and notice AMAZING results... its obvious...
"Balding scalp v/s Food bits in goatee/moustache"
HA! Bald scalp will suffer a horrible loss, thus realising primary objective of attention elusion.

To end with, a nice limerick by Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt :

There once was a lecturer in M.S.R.I.T
Whom, a few girls considered a 'cutie'
When their poems they read,
He scornfully said
"Watch it missies, its a 'soul patch', not a goatee"

Works for me!

Gabbar....!

Growing a beard is not easy. Growing a moustache is worse. Its like this, you first grow a beard, then shave off the parts you dont want, till a moustache remains... then you have to groom the moustache...ie, after it has grown considerably. If you're planning on just growing a moustache without a beard camouflage,you'll have to get used to comments like...
"Whats that on his face?!?" or "You should try my soap, its quite effective" or "How was the milkshake"....well,FUCK THEM ALL! especially the type who offer you soap...bleddy condescending pricks!

A burgeoning stubble evokes mixed but amusing responses from people... some even call you handsome... ha!
Trust me,almost nobody likes a bearded being... why? Its like this, beards are scary. Almost all the bad-ass villains were bearded...but why bearded...and not just some kind of funky hair-do...why the poor beard? Its all related to evolution.... for instance, whats the one thing that sets apart man and beast? is it...
...speech?...nope!
...opposable-digits a.k.a thumbs?...hmmmm....nope!
...ability to "enjoy" sex?....well...
...No!!
Its HAIR! more specifically, FACIAL hair...according to Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's law of follicular relativity....

"The quantity of facial hair is in inverse proportion to the extent of evolution"

There... HAIR is what sets apart man and beast. Its hair that gives animals the "fierce" edge...
And,most people are afraid of animals,beasts, the like. Then from Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's sub-law,Its true that, the lesser evolved a being, the more afraid is the general masses. Which inevitably leads to the conclusion...

"Scarier when HAIRIER"

Its true...the other day I scared a lil girl just by looking at her! Technically, from Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's corollary, It should have been the other way around... after all, she had more hair than I did (or ever will) Come to think of it, she was a lil scary.....with her "Earschplittinloudenboomer" like scream.... that might also go on to prove Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt's second and rather explicit law...

"Women.are.scary... "

[btw,thats read "WOMEN(period)ARE(period)SCARY(period)(period)(period)"]
But for some strange reason, he was murdered before proving it...hmmm

But for now, whats been proved is that FACIAL hair decreases IQ. I,can feel that... I've been growing a beard lately,and I dont know if it will evolve into a moustache. Not just because I cant make up my mind, but for the simple reason that I DONT know.
But my not knowing could also be attributed to the fact that I now have a beard, and my IQ has decreased...and so has my perception, understanding,etc...

Maybe I should shave it off, then I'd know exactly what I would want to do with it...but then it would'nt be there anymore....Soooo I'll grow it back knowing what to do with it,and then...but no, what if... what if my stupidity takes over....once again rendering me with a healthy dose of indecision.... Then I'd have to shave again,to regain sense... Yep! I'll do just that.... Shave everyday!


ps : Sir Sumschmuckfays Whoocelaustyt ROCKS!!!!